Bowel prep, the survivors guide
It begins with a sickening thud on the hall floor. An unexpected gift that just keeps giving. Tear open the package with excited anticipation and your head fills with pleasant thoughts. A gift from a secret admirer? A belated Birthday present? No, it's err... Oh bollox....... Picolax.
As it dawns, you stagger into the living room in a cold sweat and flop on the sofa totally inconsolable. It only felt like a month ago you went through it, yep it's bowel preparation time again.
For the shock grab a coffee, no milk mind, and reach for those biscuits but only the ones that don't contain fibre or any substance at all. Unconvincingly convince yourself it's for your own benefit and it won't be as terrible as you remember. For now the bottom has just fallen out of your world or more accurately the world is going to fall out of your bottom.
The day of reckoning
The only place to consume this evil potion is at home, do not go to work, ever! Condemning the staff toilet for all eternity won't help you make friends and influence people. Ultimately you'll be banished in disgrace with a brown parcel under your arm like those early schools years. Surviving the bus journey home will be your only goal in life.
Don't be fooled by those innocent looking sachets before you. They are liquid dynamite in all but name and handle only with asbestos gloves. If your consultant truly adores you there will only be 2 packets to consume. If you've been a problem patient and a general nuisance then you'll likely be cursed with 4, it's called Karma.
Don't ask, it will taste far worse than it smells. When mixed pinch your nose and glug it back quickly as humanly possible. You will belch and get to taste what you missed out on, this is unavoidable.
Some sick individual whom I dare not mention for fear of reprisals will suggest cooling the potion in the fridge before drinking it through a straw. It's not and never will be a Pina Colada you deranged psychopath.
You've taken the preparation along with copious amounts of water. The toilet is your new best friend and being close to one is not an optional extra.
Sit back and relax it won't be long. The seven seas will part, frogs will rain down from the heavens, the apocalypse is coming in all its fury. If you haven't already put the toilet roll in the fridge it's going to get messy.
Minor rumblings and the niggling urge to pass wind will soon be upon you. Do not be fooled, it's a trap! What on any other day would be just a sneaky one will rapidly escalate into an epic follow through of biblical proportions. It's beyond blaming the dog you are truly alone.
Waddling to the toilet buttocks clenched will scar your partner for life. Your favourite underwear now beyond economical repair and if you were daft enough to be commando so will your sofa and marriage. The fear of impending doom and what to clean up first will flood your mind with terror. Calm down and sort yourself out everything is going to be fine
As you emerge from the toilet you won't make it to the living room, gripping pains will return you from wence you came. Sit there for a while it will soon pass, don't be tempted to light up or you risk being magically transported into next doors garden. Keep the family away from your noxious swap gas.
Before you make your exit think first aid. Many swear by Sudocrem suppositories although personally I care little for their texture and taste.
When safe return to the living room. Repeat again x30 and you'll be done. Now it's time for that 2nd sachet. It never gets easier! This is bowel preparation, welcome to our wonderful world!